100 words

20Dec
I Want Habits

I Want Habits

Today I’ve been thinking about habits — how we build them, how we continue to build them, how we use them, how they inform who we are.

Without even being aware of it, our identities are steeped in the habits we embody.

At work I had a thought: what if I had a habit of crushing goals?

I know I can build habits. The question is: can i build good habits?

What if we only built the habits that drove us towards the best version of ourselves? That would be something, yeah?

Going into this new year I know a lot of us are going to be setting goals and making resolutions. It’s beneficial to reflect on where we came from and what we went through, take stock of our current situation and figure out from there what needs happen — where we should go next.

It’s a part of the holiday tradition.

Refresh. Recalibrate. Reset.

This time last year I set a goal to finish my first novel. I have started a lot of novels — finished none of them. And this year was to be different.

Well . . . About that . . . I failed.

It’s cool though; I learned something valuable.

I have a terrible habit of believing the limiting thoughts that cross my mind believing them to be me. I own these thoughts, emotions, and experiences but they are no more me than the van in driveway is.

I want to create habits that erases negative thoughts and replaces them with uplifting ones. I want to be in the habit of doing what I say I’m going to do when I say I’m going to do it. I want to create habits that uncover more and more of who I am everyday.

I want habits that reveal the best me.

So I guess that is my New Years Resolution.

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19Dec
Bookstore Adventures

Bookstore Adventures

The day before yesterday I went to the bookstore and didn’t purchase any books.

I stood in line with 2 books: Heavy by Kiese Laymon and a collection of poetry by Pablo Neruda entitled, The Poetry of Pablo Neruda.

I was indecisive about whether or not I should.

My internal dialogue was having a ball:  It’s almost Christmas and you need to buy gifts for friends and family.  You already have so many books you haven’t read.  You can never have too many books.  

I was in the middle of an argument with my Love through text and an author who I met had asked me if I was gonna buy her book.  I was feeling guilty because I was in line and was not holding a copy of her work.

Buying books didn’t feel as good as it should’ve.

Which is an oddity. Im not sure I’ve encountered a time before when I felt the purchase of books was unnecessary.

Buying books is always necessary and appropriate . . .

. . . Except for the day before yesterday.

I was standing in line with 2 books ready to commit and I realize my wallet is missing. I could feel my heart plummet into my stomach and all the worst scenarios invaded my mind. I am thinking of my credit and debit card I keep in my wallet. I even started wondering if I bumped into anyone who happened to be a pickpocket.  However, the way my account is set up, they would’ve been disappointed.

After tracing my steps i realized my wallet was in my book bag the whole. For whatever reason, that whole debacle seemed to shake me from literary induced slumber.

I put the books back and made my way out of the store as fast as i could. I hailed an uber and made my way home. I felt a sense of satisfaction at overcoming my usual knee jerk impulse to buy any and all books that might interest.

I felt it was maybe my best decision all day.

And if worst comes to worst, I can always buy those books on Amazon, yeah?

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22Aug
KNOCK. KNOCK.

KNOCK. KNOCK.

I am breaking.  

A couple months ago, I started having intense pain in my chest, although pain isn’t how I would describe it.  It hurts, yes. But I would call it a tightness — a massive hand gripping my heart and lungs, unrelenting.

The first time It happened, I was at work. I almost dropped to my knees in the middle of the warehouse.  

“Is this a heart attack?”  

“Am I just tired — out of shape?”

I wasn’t sure what this feeling meant.  So I went to the doctor. They asked me a few questions and then hooked me up to an EKG.  When the results came in he walked into the room and he looked at me like I had a third eye.  

He started asking more questions.  

“Do you drink…?”

“No.”

“Do you smoke…?”

“No.”

There were some other questions as well.  We spoke about depression but it was brief.  He continued to look at me like I was crazy. “Well the EKG isn’t showing us anything.  Your heart is fine. You are fine.” Then he started to advise on me how I was lifting the boxes at my job.  At this point, I was over it. I know what I’m feeling and I also know it has little nothing to do with how I am lifting boxes.  

At some point after the doctor’s appointment, I was talking to my mom and mentioned the situation.  I told her, “I think its anxiety.”

“Yea.  I used to have anxiety attacks that felt like heart attacks.”  She said.

Damn.

My anxiety has launched an offensive.  And I am losing.

It’s been about 2 months since the first time I felt it at my job.  After the visit to the doctor and the conversation with my mom, I started turning my awareness towards my heart.  I thought it was only happening at work. But I also noticed it in other high emotional places in my life.

My relationships, my job, my finances, etc.  majority of my life is fraught with uncertainty, hurt and distrust.  And i can feel everything I’ve been holding onto — bitterness, resentment, fear, rage — clawing into me.  Over the years, I have mastered the art of masking my feelings — lying. I lie about how I feel more often than not.  And I am so skilled, I fool myself often. And those lies have spawned what might be my own downfall.

You can rob Peter to pay Paul, but Peter will get his due — sooner or later.  Peter is knocking on my door.

So here I am:  Sitting on my front porch.  There is a beautiful tree across the street from me.  It has bloomed with vibrant pink flowers that sway gently in this cool breeze.  I can’t even enjoy it over the throbbing in my chest.

 

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10Jul
START

START

Don’t overthink the start.  Simply start.  Start simple.  Perfection is overrated.  When we do the thing to completion consistently, we get closer to perfection.  So the question isn’t if perfection is attainable.  The question is are we willing to put in the work it requires to improve to that level. And we may never see perfection.  But that isn’t the point.  Perfection is overrated; Process is the treasure.  The journey is the reward.  The successful ones are the ones who can’t get enough of the process.  They value progress over perfection.  To be obsessed with perfection is to the put the sled before the husky.

Perfection is overrated…

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08Jul
Pause

Pause

The Pause i just as, if not more, important than the action.  I am reminded of the quote from Abraham Lincoln:

“Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening my axe.”

My mentor founder and creator of The Hell Yes Life Academy, Pat Russo,  posted on instagram a while back.  The post had two words on it:  Hustle and Align.  and the word Hustle is crossed out.  Sometimes we get preoccupied with the hustle and the grind but forget to position ourselves in the best way possible  — we forget to Align.  Life is about the set up as much as it is about the success.

The Pause is how we set ourselves up.  Its the work we do when no one is around and no one can see.  It’s what allows us to be confident when the hurdles pop up.  We know we have prepared for any and everything.

We set ourselves up for this.

Pause. Breathe.

 

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